College Cuisine: First-Year Edition
Forget Italian and Asian-fusion, tonight we’re in the mood for college. Instead of going out to eat at Midici (rip) or Spicy 9, we’re going to E-Haus. Here are my favorites from the menu:
Microwavable Frozen Meal
There’s nothing that embodies fine-dining in college like a microwavable meal in the comforts of your dorm bed. It can be good. But it can also be bad. Your meal might emerge from the microwave and you’ll be like “that’s not what I signed up for.” It’ll remind you of the time you went to middle school expecting to learn and grow as a person but instead you came out with bangs.
Ingredients:
Frozen meal
Microwave
About $5
A brave soul
Directions:
Follow the directions on the box.
Go ahead, try it.
Minimalist Pasta
If your first course was an entire bottle of pinot grigio, there is no better entree to follow. Simple and peak cuisine after a night out or a night in.
Ingredients:
Pasta of your choosing
Water
Pot
The help of a friend
Directions:
Find some pasta
Find a friend
Hand them the pasta
Wait
Thank your friend
CAKE!!
College means adulthood. Adulthood means unlimited cake. And bills too, but mostly cake.
Ingredients:
CAKE
A job at a theater on opening night of a production called “The Cake”
Very nice coworkers
Directions:
Ask “What are we going to do with all this cake?”
Look around expectantly until someone says “You’re going to take it home?”
YES PLEASE
Have steady hands and be very careful on your journey home through campus
Dining Hall Sponsored Salad
Remember to eat your veggies! A salad is a great go-to when you’re in the mood for sending a picture of your dinner to your parents so they aren’t concerned for your well-being.
Ingredients:
Salad
Dining Hall
Friend who is willing to donate a swipe to you <3
Directions:
Lettuce? Yes.
Cucumbers? Yes.
Broccoli? A little.
Ranch? HELL NO
Send a picture to all your friends and family to reassure them that you’re fine.
Stray Cheez-It
Remember when you were a kid and you would lose a tooth, put it under your pillow, and wake up to a dollar? Well in college something similar happens just instead of a tooth its tears and instead of waking up to a dollar you wake up to a cheez-it.
Ingredients:
Past encounter with a box of cheez-its (optional)
Bed
A need for a sign from the universe
Directions:
Purchase a box of cheez-its (optional)
Wait a week (optional)
Fail a test
Fail another test
Change your major
Is that a Cheez-it??
PBJ Ft. Hot Dog Bun
This isn’t just a college staple, its a life staple. Extremely affordable too. Literally so easy.
Ingredients:
Peanut Butter
Jelly
Carb of your choosing (hot dog bun, bread, bagel, tortilla, taco shell, croissant)
Knife or something that resembles a stick
Directions:
Use knife-like object to spread peanut butter on carb
Use knife-like object to spread jelly on carb
Fold carb
Mac & Cheese Cups
Speaking of life staples, here’s another one for you. In the world of Mac & Cheese, Kraft is UNC and Velveeta is Duke.
Ingredients:
Mac & Cheese cup
Microwave
Water
3.5 minutes
Optional Ingredients (Chef vibes):
Pizza Sauce
Extra cheese
Red chili flakes
Optional Ingredients (Controversial):
Ketchup
Pineapple
Directions:
Peel lid off cup and remove sauce packet
Fill water up to the line
Microwave for 3.5 minutes
Add in cheese sauce and toppings
DON’T EAT IT. TOO HOT.
Watch 15 TikToks (all the way through, no scrolling past)
Should be less hot, taste with caution
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Ingredients:
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Directions:
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Mozzarella Cheese and an Off-Brand White Claw
This is everything you need in a college meal. Protein and a little buzz.
Ingredients:
Mozzarella Cheese (can sub provolone)
Off-Brand White Claw (can sub Fireball)
Despair
Directions:
Gather your mozzarella and your fun beverage
Sit in your bed and dig in
Check in with yourself. Is everything ok bud?
