There’s only one way to clean your apartment and this is it
Anybody want to clean with me today?
I don’t care if you said no, you’re coming with me. Grab a swiffer, let’s go.
Before we begin, I’m just going to set the scene a little bit so you know what we’ve gotten ourselves into.
My apartment is not thriving. Extremely messy. Think Juan Pablo as the Bachelor and still messier than that. This is a true story: Gordon Ramsay actually showed up to my apartment one day and I had to let him know that he was at the wrong Hell’s Kitchen. Honestly, if someone broke into my apartment they would probably just leave. But if they don’t, any stealing would literally also be cleaning.
The last time someone saw my apartment they were like “Haha, oh my gosh, you’re right!! So messy haha!!” Then they turned their head sharply. A stern expression crossed their face. They looked me straight in the eye. “Are you okay though? You can talk to me.”
Yes. I’m OK.
I think.
So that’s my apartment. Welcome.
Back to the mess now. We all have one somewhere. Look around you.
Cool now I’m overwhelmed. Anyone else?
Literally, how am I supposed to do this??? There’s mess EVERYWHERE. Let’s rewind to when I said look around you. Don’t do this. Cover your eyes with one hand, and just start moving sh*t around with your other. For real, how do we be less overwhelmed? Other blogs say just give yourself five minutes and clean. Doing something for five minutes isn’t as hard! WRONG. IT IS VERY HARD. Write a blog without going on TikTok for 5 minutes? Impossible. Be a college student and not go on TikTok for 5 minutes? Impossible. Be alive and not go on TikTok for 5 minutes? IMPOSSIBLE.
That’s why we’re going to lessen overwhelm my way. Dress up. That’s right. Put on your best going-out outfit and get some glitter on that face of yours. Sexy people need sexy apartments. Also, I can’t drink wine after sophomore year LDOC, but A LOT of people claim that wine really revolutionizes the whole cleaning experience.
Okay, I’m feeling more confident now.
So where do we start? If you’re like me, there’s too many options.
Most cleaning advice blogs usually begin with “Start by removing all the trash! It’s super easy and it’ll give you the motivation to keep going!” Not for me Susan!!! There’s too much going on to even figure out what the trash is. This is why instead, I’m going to start by removing everything that’s alive. And by everything that’s alive I mean myself. That’s right, go ahead and remove yourself from your apartment and never come back.
Just kidding.
All you need to do to find everything alive is use your senses. We’re going to gloss over taste and begin with smell. If you can’t smell anything out of the ordinary, go to your nearest Bath & Body Works and remind yourself of what things are supposed to smell like. Head back to your apartment and I guarantee you that your nose will guide you to things that are alive.
My sense of smell led me straight to the kitchen.
What did you all find in your kitchen? I found some bread covered in mold. Your turn?
Wait actually, is that mold or a fade?
Image source: https://www.menshairstylesnow.com/taper-fade-haircut/
????????
Next up…the sink. *shudder*
The sink is probably going to be your hardest obstacle to overcome. If you can’t remember what month you did your last dish, oh honey. Please come join me in doing them. Like actually though. Please. I’m scared.
If you want, we can take a break and Facetime a friend for moral support.
Okay, here’s what I’m going to do. Fill up the sink with water, and then dish soap the f*ck out of everything. Go CRAZY with the dish soap. Like really crazy. Half a bottle. Pretend the sink is a pot of soup and you are an Italian chef with pepper.
Now it smells like lavender-scented mold. Lovely. At least now it’s not mold-scented mold. We love a glow up.
Gloves on, hot water on, unsolved murder podcast on. We’re doing this. Scrub like you’ve never scrubbed before.
WARNING: EW WTF
Scroll at your own discretion.
If you find this in your sink, STAY CALM. You are stronger than your worst dish. Remember that.
So this is definitely not my dish but LOOK AT IT.
HOW DOES THIS EVEN HAPPEN
Obviously I wouldn’t know, because you know, it’s not my dish and I’ve never seen it before because it’s definitely not my dish.
WHAT COULD HAVE EVEN BEEN IN IT??
If you have one of these dishes, which I definitely didn’t, the best way to clean it is to throw it away.
Next.
Hearing. Use your ears and listen for gurgling. Find it. Eliminate it.
Sight. Look around. Do you see any movement? If you do, no you don’t. Pretend it isn’t happening and move on.
Once you’ve taken care of everything alive, it's time to tackle the only thing worse.There’s nothing that says give up and never clean again like dead bodies.
I am referring to bugs. The best way to deal with these is to not. Cover them with a paper towel and we’ll circle back later.
So I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong, but everything literally looks the exact same. Do you feel me?
UGH.
I’m losing motivation.
WAIT.
Never mind. Losing motivation? Let me help. Get out your phone and navigate to your camera app. Start recording. Walk around your apartment and just start snapping your fingers in every room. Nothing motivates me like the slightest hope of a TikTok.
The next thing to do is start making piles. Most pile advice involves making a pile of clothes, another pile of recycling, you know, organized piles. Not my pile advice. My pile advice means just running around making piles of sh*t in no particular order. This is because the goal of my piles isn’t organization, it’s to make sure that my floor still exists. I haven’t seen it in a while. I miss it.
Once you have your piles, you no longer have a mess. You have 12! But that’s okay, a bunch of smaller messes are much easier to tackle than one big mess. That’s why the United States has so many states.
If you’re following along with me, it’s lid time. This means visiting every pile and collecting all of their respective lids. Then doing the same thing with things that need lids. Now start putting lids on the things that need lids. Perfect. And make sure you don’t forget to put a lid on this blog. We need to start wrapping things up here.
Is that butter?
Oop.
Fridge? Trash? What a decision to make.
I feel like I need to take a break from blogging so that I can maybe focus on cleaning. I’ll give a tutorial on everything I’ve done after I finish!
I’m done! If typical advice for cleaning your messy apartment doesn’t work for you:
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR APARTMENT:
Go to Bath & Bodyworks
Come back from Bath & Bodyworks
Start writing a blog about cleaning your apartment for motivation
Remove everything alive from the premises
Facetime a friend for moral support
DISHES!!
Find everything dead but don’t go any further
Film yourself snapping your fingers in every room
Pile sh*t together
Don’t rest until every lid is accounted for by its respective jar/bottle/container
Unpile the piles one at a time and organize. Then throw away/put away/scare away everything. Do this until all piles no longer exist.
Now your floor should be what it is meant to be. A floor. Except for one thing. That mini morgue for your dead bugs.
Take five deep breaths.
Evict the bugs.
Sweep, sweep, sweep
Queue up Gas Pedal and swiffer to the beat.
Add Happier Than Ever to the queue and wipe down surfaces to the beat.
Make your bed (omg who are you wow)
Walk around and admire your work. You have a whole new apartment and you are a whole new person.
Snap your fingers in every room.
Sh*t. Film yourself snapping your fingers in every room.
TikTok time!!!
YAY! WE DID IT!
OR WE WILL DO IT @ readers of this blog. You know who you are.
We have ourselves a sexy apartment!!
How do we keep the sexiness of this apartment? DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. Draw the line at your bedroom and bathroom. Never return to your kitchen. Couch? You don’t know her.
Thank you for coming along with me today! Definitely would still be living in chaos if it weren’t for you.
One last thing to remember, if you’re ever feeling bad about your mess, don’t. Your mess is art. You are an artist.
Best, Mahika
