Practicing Paranormal Professionnalism
Hey everyone!
Today’s blog is very intensive, so prepare to be very educated.
Working in a retail environment is notorious for exposing you to weird situations without your consent that would never occur literally anywhere else.
Lucky for you, in today’s blog, we’ll be tackling just one of those situations!
Today’s Situation:
Your first encounter with the supernatural!
What you should do:
Post a goodbye boomerang on your Instagram story
Just kidding. But honestly, you never know.
If you’ve gone your entire life without encountering a ghost, vampire, werewolf, leprechaun, Reddit influencer, things are about to change drastically for you. Clocking into work for the first time means clocking into the spirit world for the first time. No exceptions.
You have two options to prepare yourself for this.
First option: Sign up for Hulu Live TV to binge watch all 14 seasons of “Long Island Medium” and Peacock Premium to stream all five “Twilight” movies.
Second option: Read my blog.
If you chose the first option: https://www.hulu.com/live-tv , https://www.peacocktv.com/plans/all-monthly
If you chose the second, much cheaper, option:
Welcome to my tips and tricks on paranormal professionalism
Before we go any further, you need to make sure that you do not panic. While we don’t know much about the supernatural, one thing’s for sure. They can and will smell fear.
GHOSTS
So, we’re all familiar with ghosts, right? Those of us on Tinder definitely are more than others. These are probably the most common paranormal visitors you will have to interact with. If you keep an eye on those automatic doors, they will at some point open, close. No one there. That’s when you know, you’ve got a ghost.
First things first, don’t use language like “we’ve got a ghost problem,” ghosts are not roaches, they are valued guests and we appreciate their business.
Second things second, just like I started with, do not be afraid of your ghost guests. I cannot stress this enough. Fear of the customer will definitely play a negative role on the guest experience. This is exactly the opposite of what you want to do. How are you supposed to not be afraid? Well, this is how. Name your ghost.
Naming the ghost will 100% make them feel more human to you and less like a vengeful entity from the spirit world with an unknown agenda. Here are some good names you can choose from:
Greg
State Farm - Hard to be afraid of an insurance-named ghost. Easy to be afraid of regular insurance though.
Wyd? - This name will redirect your attention to a different ghost.
You Have an Appointment with Academic Advising Tomorrow at 10 AM - Naming a ghost a complete sentence? How can you be afraid of that? Also this is a good way to remind yourself of something you typically forget about but need to attend to graduate.
Peanut - This feels pretty self explanatory because how could you be afraid of a ghost named Peanut?
Ex: “Lurking in the shadows of register #6, a tortured soul exacts his revenge on all who cross his path. Hundreds of oblivious, unsuspecting individuals enter his checkout lane only to never exit. There is no hope of escape from the merciless wrath of Peanut.”
Aw so cute :)
Are you deathly allergic to peanuts? Good. You finally get to hang out with one because this one isn’t real.
Chickpea - Same vibe as Peanut
If you feel an icy chill come over you, do not ignore it, that is a ghost requesting your assistance. Don’t worry, this is not as difficult of a task as you may think. All you need to do is just start walking toward the cocktail section and point at the Bloody Mary mix. 99% of the time, this is what the ghost is looking for.
You might find yourself brewing coffee when suddenly, you notice a growing puddle of steaming coffee on the floor. You run over to the coffee station and realize that a key ingredient to making coffee, the coffee pot for the coffee to brew into, is MIA. If this happens to you, it is not because of your negligence, it’s the work of the ghost. Let your manager know this.
Have you ever said “Here’s your receipt!” to a customer as they first come up to you? When there’s no receipt to give because nothing has happened yet? That is not a malfunction in your customer service script, it is you being possessed by a ghost that wants to see you fail. It’s okay, the more calm you can stay, the faster the ghost will un-possess you.
Another situation you might find yourself in is in the middle of the ‘after-work omg I need sh*t’ rush’, your bags start betraying you. Sticking together, ripping, tarnishing your reputation as a cashier. Oh, it's on. Oh, you bet it's on. You never expected to have beef with a ghost, but now, now you have beef with a ghost.
If the above occurs, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that it’s a ghost. These antics can only mean one thing. The ghost is not a customer. It has appeared in this store to give somebody closure. Clearly, it's not you. This ghost f*cking hates you. Anyways, it’s time to gather your coworkers for another emergency meeting about recently passed loved ones. Be careful wording what you’re about to ask, you don’t want to cause anyone distress. I would go with the classic “Has anyone’s life recently been ruptured by the unforgiving claws of death?” When saying this, try not to stare too hard at Muriel. I know she looks like someone who vibes with ghosts, but don’t assume anything. If it turns out that you are a lucky bunch, meaning you collectively only lost one fish and give or take a great great great grandmother, then, I don’t know what to tell you.
If you are in a position where you have absolutely no idea who and what this ghost is doing here, you probably need to schedule a seance.
SEANCE ADVICE
The first thing to consider when hosting a seance is location. It’s important that a spirit feels safe and welcome, so your location needs to be quiet. I would recommend somewhere near the vegan cheese. There usually isn’t a lot going on over there. I also read that offering soup helps attract ghosts that still feel a need for physical nourishment. It looks like soup is good for all souls, even those already departed. So, hosting your seance in the soup aisle is also a good option. “Seance in the soup aisle” is also a good option for a band name if you’re looking to break into the music industry at some point.
Just like breaking up with someone, seances are a group activity. You are going to need at least three people. So far, you have yourself. I would encourage posting a flier in the break room. As a last resort, turn to Craigslist. If you do this, I am not financially responsible for any couches you may end up with.
Now, you need to plan out the questions that you want to ask your spirit enemy friend. Here’s some to guide you:
Who the f*ck are you?
Why the f*ck are you here?
What the f*ck do you want?
When was the last time you heard the words “I love you?”
Note: Feel free to use these questions on a first date as well
Seance set up should include a round table to make it easier for participants to share energy. In case you don’t have one in your workplace, take one from the nearest Chipotle.
Now, to focus on the details, some of the essential supplies for a seance include candles and incense. You shouldn’t have to do everything yourself. Treat this seance like a potluck. Someone brings candles, someone else brings incense, and someone else shows up 30 minutes late with a mediocre pasta salad. Honestly, you’re halfway to creating a very romantic date. Now that I think about it, because of the way a seance really sets the mood, it's a perfect option for a first date. And it would mean you now have the ⅔ people you need. You just need one more person… and don’t look at me. I have a blog to write. You’re on your own for this one.
According to my sources, ghosts respond better to yes or no questions. Bro, so do I. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t push them to grow as communicators
During a seance, you need to have a way to contact the spirit world. Most people use a ouija board. Usually, unless your workplace is f*cking weird, the only kind of board you should have is teenage employees. Whatever. It’s 2022, I don’t care if you’re a ghost, at the very least you should have Facebook messenger.
Okay, once you’ve got all of your seance sh*t together, it's time to begin. Start with an introduction: “We welcome any good spirits who are near us to join our circle. Please make your presence known” (wikiHow). If this receives no response, try “We welcome any average spirits, or spirits that are working on themselves, who are near us to join our circle. Please make your presence known.” Or if that doesn’t work either, maybe a simple “Get your spirit asses over here or else.”
If you receive no response to any of the above, reiterate them over the store intercom system. Do this at 9:59 PM so that anyone who’s still shopping one minute before closing regrets their decision.
Don’t forget to create a seance playlist to play in the background:
Life Of The Party - Shawn Mendes
Haunted - Taylor Swift
Permanent Vacation - 5SOS
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Glad You Came - The Wanted
Whataya Want from Me - Adam Lambert
For more information on seances, visit https://www.wikihow.com/Perform-a-S%C3%A9ance or https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-conduct-a-seance-2593035
GHOSTS AGAIN
Okay, back to the normal, everyday ghosts, not the weird vengeful ones
Actually, I think I covered everything, right? OH. No, I didn’t.
Does your place of business only play elevator music? If so, that can only mean one thing. Your local ghost has Spotify premium. And also probably perished in an elevator 200 years ago. Though you might want to throw your ears away after listening to the same violin sounds over and over again, just remember, you are lucky enough not to have perished in an elevator. Yet. Practice gratitude.
If your workplace ever has its power go out, this is not the result of bad weather or an electrical malfunction. This is a ghost attempting to shoplift. If you are ever in this position, just ignore what’s going on. You don’t want to accidentally get yourself haunted.
While walking through your Easter display, you might find one of those mugs that has a snowflake on one side, and “Fa la la la” on the other side. This is not a grocery manager’s fluke mistake. It’s the Ghost of Christmas Past making his way through the store. One of two things is happening here. The Ghost of Christmas Past set down his coffee and forgot about it. Or, The Ghost of Christmas Past is hating on your Easter display. He left his mug there as a reminder of the goodness that was once in the seasonal section.
Look in the mirror. Are you just a ghost of who you used to be?
Okay. Now, I’m done.
WEREWOLVES
You definitely won’t get a lot of these, at least in Chapel Hill. But, the occasional one may pass through, and when that happens, just let them be. They won’t hurt you, unless you’re a vampire, they f*cking hate those (Twilight, 2008). How do you know when you have a werewolf? The night of a full moon, if a customer, around closing time, starts booking it towards the door, that my friends, is a werewolf. Once they start their transformation, it's a matter of seconds before the wolf takes over their whole body. This is obviously very awkward to have happen in a grocery store, so don’t take offense when they ignore your “Have a good night!”. Other people might be yelling “Hey, hey! You need to pay for that!” and running after them, but this is the wrong thing to do. Werewolves need their privacy as they succumb to the full moon’s calling.
VAMPIRES
Okay, so actually this one, you don’t need to worry about at all, unless you work at a drive-thru 24 hour McDonalds. If you work at a drive-thru 24 hour McDonalds, you need to worry about vampires more than ever. Otherwise, no need to worry. Vampires never go grocery shopping. You will never have to interact with them in-person. You will, however, definitely encounter a vampire’s assistant. I don’t know if you know this, but vampires avoid sunshine at all costs. They’re like teenagers. That’s why they have assistants who run their errands for them during the day. When you have a customer that purchases a significant amount of garlic, and only garlic, that’s when you know you’re dealing with a vampire’s assistant. Even though they may claim to be an employee at the fancy restaurant next door that apparently ran out of garlic, you know the truth. This is a vampire’s assistant that has been sent out to eliminate all threats to their boss.
LEPRECHAUNS
So I’ve actually never seen one of these before, not in real life or in pictures. I hope you appreciate the time and effort I put into just even spelling that word. I’ve heard of them, and eaten Lucky Charms, but that’s about it. Despite my ignorance, not all of us are as ignorant. Some of us may be very attuned to the activities of leprechauns. There will come a time when a customer will approach you. She will look you straight in the eye. “Do you ever notice when things fall off the shelves?” Your immediate reaction will be: “She knows. She knows about the bottle of wine I accidentally elbowed into a plummet to the ground and how I then blamed the whole ordeal on a customer.” No. Nobody knows about this. She did not witness this event. Don’t admit guilt. Listen to what she says next. “It’s the leprechauns. Things keep falling off the shelves and it’s the leprechauns.” Um what? She keeps going. “Do you know how things always fall off the shelves all the time, and you don’t know why? It’s. The. Leprechauns.” Now it's time to do the “smile and nod”. This is where you smile and nod. And after this customer leaves, you will then be left with just yourself, your thoughts, and the leprechauns. Scary.
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That’s my time for today’s blog! Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate it. Hopefully, if you got nothing else out of my words, you at least now know that the line between us and the supernatural is very thin. They are just like us and we are just like them.
Spiritually, Mahika
r/ghosts
