Valentine’s Day Do’s and Don’ts and Don’ts and Don’ts (CCCS S1. E3.)
I hope you all are doing okay!
I don’t really have an intro in mind so …..
Today’s Situation:
It’s Valentine’s Day. Otherwise known as, Instagram makes you sad and ready to block most people day. You wake up to yet another 24 hours of loneliness and inescapable feelings of doom. Then you put on your shoes, there’s only one pair by the door because you’re alone. You grab your keys, that are by themselves on one hook, because you’re alone. Now you’re in your car, and you throw your phone onto the passenger’s seat, because there’s no one sitting there, because you’re alone. You wish you could merge into a relationship just like you just merged onto the highway. A single tear rolls down your cheek, because even your tears are single today.
What you should do:
Fill out an application to be on the next season of Love is Blind. https://loveisblind.castingcrane.com/age-gate
As you can imagine, Valentine’s Day is no ordinary day in the retail world. Many things may happen that wouldn’t happen on any other day so….
Welcome to Valentine’s day DOs and DON'TS. Here, I’m going to let you in on the biggest things that you need to do, and that you need to don’t do.
I can’t think of a better place to start than chocolate covered strawberries, can you?
Chocolate-Covered Strawberries
If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, these are the Thanksgiving turkeys of Valentine’s Day. If your strawberries are not chocolate covered, you might as well take the Valentine’s out of Valentine’s Day. That's just day.
DO:
DO try and find a way to involve yourself in the chocolate-covering process. This art form may prove useful to you in the future.
DO eat one of these chocolate strawberries sporadically. Nothing too crazy. Maybe four. Tops is 43.
DONT:
DROP THEM. DO NOT DROP THEM. Have you ever wanted to learn how to juggle? NOW IS NOT THE TIME. DO. NOT. DROP. THEM. Drop your toxic friends that chose their ‘partner’ over you today instead. You deserve better. If you drop these strawberries, DO NOT DROP THEM, but if you do, JUST DON’T, if you do drop them, watching chocolate-covered strawberries roll away from you will be a painful reminder and metaphor of all of the relationships in your life. So, don’t drop them.
DO NOT WALK TOWARDS THE BATHROOM AT 9:14 AM AND LOOK UP. If you do this, you WILL see an individual, staring at you and holding a container of these chocolate-covered strawberries. Scary. There is a 100% chance that this individual will approach you and say this: “I have a complaint. Look at these strawberries. They are GREEN. This is unacceptable! They are greener than my asparagus!.” This will be said while holding chocolate-covered strawberries that are strawberries covered entirely in chocolate.* I’m going to do a DON’TS and DO’s for this specific situation too, because it can be tricky to navigate.
DON’T: Laugh. Don’t laugh. I know this seems like a joke. It has all the makings of being a joke. Literally checks all the boxes of jokehood. IT IS NOT A JOKE. I know, the strawberries are about as green as the color red, but this is a serious concern, not a joke.
DO: Relate. We’ve all been in a similar situation. Remember when you saw white and gold in 2015’s most controversial dress, when it was clearly blue and black? Next, do apologize for the CHOCOLATE-COVERED strawberries being green. Encourage a replacement. Example: “Yeah, they do look a little bit green, I’m so sorry about that! Come with me and we’ll get you a different one that looks a lot better.” “Yeah, that one does look good. I’m sorry again about this.”
Perfect. To conclude: Valentine’s day is 99% chocolate-covered strawberries and 1% everything else, no matter who or where you ar - OMG no, I forgot about flowers! How did I forget the flowers? I am no better than your ex.
Valentine’s day is 99% flowers, 1% strawberries, and 0.001% everything else. This is the day when flowers are more important than love, communication, trust, and mutual respect in a relationship. We’re talking roses, orchids, tulips, carnations, “Oh sh*t I need these today!!!” flowers….
“Oh sh*t I need these today!!!” flowers….Oh, don’t get me started on “Oh sh*t I need these today!!!” flowers.
“Oh Sh*t I Need These Today!!!” Flowers
If you really think about it, every floral arrangement can fall under this category. In regards to flowers on Valentine’s day, you will encounter a variety of predicaments. So, just for you, I will go through the DOs and DON’TS of each possible circumstance.
“$82?????”
DO: Reprint the receipt and review with customer. Most likely case is that they also purchased pure vanilla extract along with their flowers. But if not, remind them that $82 represents 82 sparks of love, and that will make this Valentine’s day 82x harder for their romantic partner to forget. If they are still unhappy, go ahead and refund and help them choose a more affordable option. (Hint: Gyps are $4.99 and still very pretty.)
DON’T: Venmo them $82. Don’t venmo them anything. Literally why would you that? Don’t do that.
*Holding large vase with extravagant roses* “Um..Where is your plant food? Could you get me some?”
DO:
Assume that the plant food is for the roses and not the customer.
Find the person with the most floral expertise in the store (hopefully it's not you)
If it is you, look under the backstock pile of plush avocados that say “let me avo-cuddle you”. 9/10 times, that’s where the plant food is stored.
Take some for yourself. When was the last time your plants had a good meal? That’s right, never.
DON’T:
DON’T bring back a container of prepackaged organic romaine. This is incorrect.
DON’T bring back a footlong from Subway (unless you got distracted from the task and it’s for you). This is even more incorrect.
DON’T wander around the spices and herb aisle. You will not find it there.
“I know these are totally different, but which ones do you think my partner will like better?” *holding two flower arrangements that are as identical as the twins from The Shining*
DO:
Pretend you are a floral expert. Use words like ‘herbaceous’ and ‘polymorphous’. This is to establish dominance.
Flowers that haven’t bloomed yet are usually preferred. So count the unbloomed buds and take a ratio of that to the total amount of flowers and then divide that by the ratio from the other flowers and then… what I’m trying to say here is, calculator app or go home.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe this sh*t
“Ah yes, I believe she would much rather prefer these lovely scarlet roses on the right. They are much more herbaceous and polymorphous than your other option. This is my professional recommendation.”
Tell them you hate both of these options and would prefer an Apple Watch Series 7. Note: This will most likely only work if the customer in question is your partner.
DON’T:
DON’T stare too long at the flowers in complete silence. This is very awkward and uncomfortable for all parties. (10 seconds at most)
DON’T stare too long at the person holding the flowers in complete silence. This is also very awkward and uncomfortable for all parties. (1 second at most)
Okay, now we’ve gone over chocolate-covered strawberries and flowers, is there anything else?
Anything Else
“Yeah, my dog is my valentine this year. I actually rescued her last Valentine’s day, so she’ll be my valentine every year.”
DO: Propose.
Ring: https://www.naturaldiamonds.com/product/verdura-halo-ring/ Dress: https://www.kleinfeldbridal.com/product/disney-fairy-tale-weddings-collection-3-4-sleeve-sweetheart-a-line-lace-wedding-dress-with-illusion-sleeves-and-lace-train-d285pocahontas/ Venue: https://theheritage-collection.com/villa-balbiano/ Flash mob tutorial: https://youtu.be/uya-_q94oys
DON’T: Not propose. There is simply no other option.
“Who is St Valentine? Why are we worshiping him?”
DO: Wonder the same thing. Like for real, who is he?
(Spoiler) St. Valentine dies. Around the year 270, Emperor Claudius II Gothicus was on the struggle bus trying to figure out how to get more soldiers to be in his army. Kind of like how we try to figure out how to get more followers on our Instagrams. Time goes by until Claudius, who appears to have had an avoidant attachment style, has the perfect idea. Ban marriages and engagements and behead anyone that disobeys. St. Valentine, of course, was like “WTF?? Yeah no, I’ll take one for the team and keep doing my thing,” and kept on marrying people on the DL. Obviously, when Claudius found out, he was you know, super upset. And back in the 200s, super upset people were also super dramatic. What I’m trying to say is Valentine’s day is literally when St. Valentine died a gruesome death. Just FYI. This is the reason behind those cute stuffed waffles that hold hearts saying “I like you a waffle lot”. A gruesome death.
None of the people this man married better be part of the “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic. Imagine telling St. Valentine that some of the couples he risked his life to marry ended up on an episode of Maury.
Okay, that’s it.
Luckily for you, you have 356 days to memorize these facts. Start studying now.
Also if any of this is wrong, blame: https://www.britannica.com/biography/Saint-Valentine and https://www.learnreligions.com/st-valentine-patron-saint-of-love-124544
DON’T: DON’T respond by saying “your mom”. If you decide to go this route, say “my mom” instead. It’s all about establishing dominance.
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That’s a wrap on my Valentine’s day advice to you. I hope this was helpful! Good luck next year :)
Thank you, Mahika
